June 29, 2004 - Thoughts

I just thought I'd take a few minutes to explain some things about myself, and to relieve some stress. Recently I've been trying to get my weight under control so that I can start losing weight again, as well as getting my headaches and TMJ problems under control so I can start exercising again. I just started doing this and then I found out that not only is my blood pressure high, but I also have a heart murmur. So today I had an echocardiogram (basically an ultrasound of the heart). I'm actually kinda scared. I really don't want there to be anything else wrong with me, especially not right now. So I'm scared of what I'm going to be told next week when I see my doctor again. Mostly because of the links between Raynauds Disease and heart problems.

Anyway, this really isn't what I wanted to write about. Mostly I just wanted to explain my mindset, not complain, just try to make people understand why I am the way I am, because honestly, sometimes I just feel like a freak. Maybe I'm not the only one. To begin with, I have headaches everyday, constantly. Sometimes I think I tell people this and they don't really grasp what I'm saying. Since the age of four, I've had migraines. Since about the age of nine, I've had one big, never ending headache. I remember about three days in my life when I had a few hours of no head pain. Three days. I go through days, sometimes weeks, of having migraines just about every day. As I write this, I've had a migraine almost every day for about two weeks. For those of you that don't know what migraines are like, let me explain. Migraines consist of intense pain, usually on one side of the head. Along with this, nausea, confusion, sensitivity to lights and sounds are often part of the migraines.

On top of the headaches and migraines, I also have epilepsy. I have two kinds- complex partial and petit mal. These are not the commonly known seizures where you lie on the floor and convulse uncontrollably. The kind I have are hard to explain. To an observer, it may look like I'm just off daydreaming. To me, I'm fighting to gain control of my mind. My seizures happen in just a few seconds, but I can go on having rapid succession of seizure after seizure, that I don't know that I'm having them, atleast not right away. Fortunately, my seizures have been under control for little over four years. That I know of. Unfortunately, I'm still stuck with the side effects of my medicine, and the effects of my epilepsy. One of these is a "learning deficit"- I have trouble expressing myself in words, and sometimes I struggle to think of words that I use everyday. Sometimes I have to sit and think for fifteen minutes to find the word I'm looking for, and I still can't come up with it. Its very frustrating and a lot of times it makes me feel like a complete idiot. Especially around people that don't know me too well so they don't know why I have these problems and they don't know why I pause when I talk. This has lead to a lot of anger over the years, which fortunately I've been able to express in my poems. I get so angry because here I am, with a good mind, a drugfree mind and I can't even think of, for example, the word cracker. I see so many healthy people that don't have the problems I do, and they go out and destroy their minds by doing drugs. It sickens me. I wish Edgar Cayce were still alive so he could tell me what I did in my past life to give me so many problems in this one. I figure I probably chopped off peoples heads and stuck them on poles or something. Edgar Cayce was such a cool guy. Ever since I first read about him when I was a kid, I wished that I could have met him.

But anyway, that's enough about that. To talk about my headaches some more, I just want to mention that sometimes my head hurts so much I just have trouble thinking, let alone doing anything else. While I'm on the subject, I hate headache commercials and I hate hearing people complain about headaches and migraines. (hehe hypocrite). There's nothing worse than having a migraine for a week straight, while still having to go to school and try to function and do well on exams, and then hear someone complain because their head hurts. Oh well.... moving on...

As I mentioned above, I also have something wonderful called Raynauds Disease. Basically it means that my hands turn white and blue and I'm freezing cold all summer long (because some people insist on air conditioning). To put it another way, its 70 degrees outside when my body knows its supposed to be in the 90s, so I end up feeling like its 50 degrees after being used to 90 degree weather. I hope that makes some sense. That is just one side of the Raynauds.. besides my hands being white and blue and hurting, they also sometimes swell up and turn red, especially after using the computer for hours, or other like activities. People with Raynauds are sensitive to cold and heat, in other words, it hurts if we touch something like ice cubes or a bowl of hot soup. I, personally, am cold 95% of the time and I've been known to wear a winter coat and cover myself with multiple layers of blankets, during the summer, and still be cold.

So that is the fun of Raynauds Disease. In all of my explainations of my headaches and seizures, I somehow also forgot some of the other things that comes with my epilepsy- hallucinations. For those of you out there that may think its cool to "see things" or "hear voices" let me say that as one of those people that actually does hallucinate- you're an idiot. I see spots constantly. Not one or two. Millions. Billions. So many that I can't count. Its like everything I see is pixelated. I wish sometimes that I could see the world like other people do, but then, I like being me so I guess I wouldn't want to after all. Yes, I do also hear voices and see other things other than spots. It used to freak me out for a long time and scare me and I used to not like being by myself because of it. Now though I realize that I'm just seeing things and hearing things and they can't hurt me. I still see things and think things that mess me up every now and then but I'm in control. You're just never the same after you see yourself digging out your loved ones eyes. Atleast I'm sane enough not to do it. I fight my demons.

June 29, 2004- Ideas
One of the things I've been wanting to do is make some little icons that let you know what mood I'm in and stuff. Not original, but there's some more to it that I'm not sharing right now..... I also have another idea for my site, which I will probably soon implement, but I'm not going to say right now what that is. ^-^

June 29, 2004 - Theories
The end is near................................

This site was created November 1, 2001

Special thanks to Mike Stewart for the avatar graphics.
Background and layout by Melanie Snyder.

All graphics within this site, unless otherwise noted, are by Entaeyen (Melanie Snyder) 2000-Present.

Unless otherwise noted, graphics on this site are NOT public domain.
I ask that you please leave them here.