Striving For Something New
Should I steal another's lines and claim them as my own?
Oh no, no what a terrible thing that would be
But hasn't each word, each sentence, each phrase
And each and every thought
Been thus unlimited times before?
How original may one thought be before
It has died into the night

Corruption
And then he hath entered the room
Into which no darkness escapes
And which no light may enter
In the center is a chair, alone he sits
The chair in which he sits, waiting,
Not knowing of the evil deeds that shall be done
Or of those that took place only minutes before

Written March 26, 1998

Personal Hell
There is no forgiveness
There is only the sins
Of all mankind
All Christians belong here
Yet somehow they believed to be saved
Perhaps there is hell
Is this place where we stand our own personal hell?
If so, perhaps we are in command
Perhaps God is our Satan
Everything Christianity teaches is wrong
Everything we know to be true
Is now contradicted
And there's nothing we can do
There is no escape
There is no end
We have created our own personal hell
In which we shall burn
Until our next life
When we try again
To make things turn out right
In our ever long cycle of hell

Written March 26, 1998

Torn Apart
You tore apart my whole existence
I gave you my all, my everything
And you took my love for granted
You threw it all away
And left me all alone with nothing to hold onto
Yet you somehow blame me
Some part of you can hate me
I was the one murdered, killed
Shredded to pieces until nothing was left
But a broken heart and an empty, darkened soul
Untrusting to the world, untrusting to my friend
I died, but yet, you are the one to ache
You may hurt, while I must go on
I died again, but you were not here
Do I have to die again to prove this to you?
What do you want from me?
All I wanted was a friend
Yet we ruined it, scarred it, killed it off
We destroyed our friendship
By introducing love
Now it's wasted, torn to bits
I have one thing left to hold sacred
And because of you it's wretched, forever impure
You can never erase these lies
Every way you ever hurt me is reflected
It scars my relationships what ever I do
You killed me once, you cannot do it again
Yet I somehow still burn for you
My desire is to see you, perhaps your imperfect self
Atleast this time I would see you for what you really are
The monster, the hatred pouring out of every cut
You left these marks upon me
And now there's no going back
That hideous face I used to find so beautiful
That smile I always loved
It is true I never saw them in our reality
But who can ever question what we had
I stare out upon this world
How perfect it may look
Beautiful flowers, lovely trees
But with an innocence that you took
Not physically, but I loved you
I thought we were meant to be
If it went wrong, I now know
Nothing can be true, nothing can be right
In this world of perpetual good and evil
Everything I know is a contradiction
I hate you all, I hate them all
How did I get this far?
What can save me now?
I know there is no going back, no going forward
If I must, I die here and now
Forever torn, torn between myself and you
You, my friends, this world, and all
Forever damned
How did I get here, where I don't even know myself
I don't know myself, I don't know you
Even now as I write these words I'm pretending
Faking all I know?
But I don't know, it's chaotic
Am I sick physically, or am I so mentally unstable that I don't even know
There is no finish anymore, something comes to thought then it disappears
Save me now, if you dare to try
Save me now, if you can
The petals of a rose, torn apart, torn to shreds
I've collected all my lover's roses,
a box of dead roses sit in my room, gathering dust
Remember the day they were beautiful?
Was I ever that beautiful, so innocent to the world?
I think our love was never so true
What was our love, another game, another phase?
No more effort anymore, so tired......

Written April 28, 1998

My Lost Paradise
Perhaps not tomorrow, nor today
Maybe never, but until that day
I live amongst the blossoms
Cherry flowers in my hair
Dancing, and twirling
As happy as can be
All my heart is filled with glee
The lake is peaceful
As I sit beneath my tree
Reading a book, perhaps writing poetry
Nothing can hurt me here
For here I am safe
Nothing can touch me
This land knows not of harm
So serene, the fog is amidst
Surrounding my castle
Birds chirp, deer play amongst the green
Am I the only one that knows of this land?
So happy here, singing a familiar song
Painting the willow I love so much
My prince is sitting beneath it now
Here we have our picnic each day
Going about in our usual way
Always happy, forever cheerful
Until I wake up into this nightmare

Written May 7, 1998

Suicide Queen
And I awoke
Next to me was a cold, pale shell
Or so I assumed it to be
I had no real shape
My hand passed through the shell
Dried blood everywhere
Puddles of red water on the floor
The shell's scars were real
The razor lied near its hand
Nearly forgotten how artistic it once was
If there was a smell
It would have been a foul stench
The shell was rotting away already
Would anyone ever find it?
Probably not
The mirror was shattered- not surprising
The hand held a piece of what used to be a mirror
But none of this mattered
Isn't this what I wanted all along?

Written May 29, 1998

Waste of Flesh
Don't you see what I've wasted
Can't you see what I could have had
Everything I could have been
I never had a real chance in this world
You destroyed me, they killed me, I finished myself off

Written August 15, 1998

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